smeared_kohl: (alec)
( May. 30th, 2011 01:18 pm)
I'm still here...if anyone remembers this post from last month...we are still living in the same place, budgeted to the last penny and I am saving everything I can to pay for internet as my only expense. It sucks, it's hard and we are getting no help from anyone.

My dad can't help us because he is retired and doesn't have much money...and Dave's mom won't help us because he told her he quit instead of being let go. I understand why he did it, no one wants to say they were fired, but it's only made her mad at him thinking he's irresponsible and all that. *SIGH* If he had told her the truth she might be more sympathetic to our situation but instead she just blames him for it.

And on top of it all, I am still going forward with my wedding...it's included in my budget...once my dress is paid for I will have more money to work with. I know it sounds stupid to do this but...I already had deposits down...I would lose a chunk of money if I didn't.

This is my life atm, if Dave could only get a job...ANY JOB...we would be fine...maybe even happy again...I miss being happy =(.

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smeared_kohl: (hugs)
( Apr. 27th, 2011 10:37 pm)
Fate looked down at the girl and smirked as she cried. "So you think your life is shit? Just wait I can make it so much worse..."

Real life stuff, panicked and depressed babbling, feeling really sorry for myself, go ahead and skip it, I would if I could. )
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smeared_kohl: (hugs)
( Mar. 4th, 2011 07:34 pm)
Good-bye Foxycat you were the best friend I could have ever asked for.
You were an amazing girl that was loved by everyone and you will never be forgotten.





You were my girl and I will never have another like you, I love you.
smeared_kohl: (hugs)
( Feb. 28th, 2011 02:49 pm)
My cat Fox has been very sick the last couple of weeks, so we took her to the vet today and she has advanced kidney disease. This was not a huge surprise since she is 18 yrs old but she won't be getting better, only worse...and all we can do is make her as comfortable as possible for now. The vet did not feel it was time to say good bye to her today, but when the time comes I will let her go and give her peace. It kills me to even think of one day without my girl, but I won't let her suffer.




<3 )
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smeared_kohl: (hugs)
»

MOM

( Feb. 15th, 2011 12:17 pm)
It was 4 years ago today that I had to say good bye to my mom.

Four years seems like nothing, and it hurts just as much now as it did then.

I bought my wedding dress yesterday and it still kills me that she will never see my wedding or her grandchildren that she always promised that she would wind up on sugar and send them home to me.
It's wrong that she did not get to enjoy the rest of her life, because god did she ever enjoy her life.

Everyone who knew her misses her deeply.

My mom was 57 years old, she deserved a longer life.



I love you mom.

 
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smeared_kohl: (hugs)
( Jan. 10th, 2011 02:13 am)
I know it's stupid but it always hurts when I get cut from someone's f-list, because I'm obviously that forgettable to them.
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smeared_kohl: (alec)
( May. 10th, 2010 07:47 pm)
Today I am taking time to appreciate Alec, there's a lot of depressing maudlin shit I could be writing down and crying over, yesterday being Mother's Day and all; but instead I'd rather post this.


smeared_kohl: (totally means i love u)
( Apr. 10th, 2010 01:04 pm)
Today would have been my mother's 60th birthday, if she had lived.

I woke up today, messing everything up so I decided to sit on the computer and watch some Supernatural/J2 YouTube vids; Supernatural and the boys tend to be the only things that can cheer me up. And I came across this one, by my fav vidder. Keepmeclose84


Please watch, it helps to remind me why we loved the boys so much...all the slash and stupid drama aside. They love each other and love their fans so much.

smeared_kohl: (hugs)
»

Mom

( Feb. 15th, 2010 06:09 pm)
It's 3 years ago today that I had to say good bye to my mom.

Three years seems like nothing,  and it hurts just as much now as it did then. But I lost her long before that.

My mom had cancer, it started as kidney cancer and moved to her lymphnodes...because it was missed on her scans. The tumor released a chemical that messed up her brain, she was like an Alzheimer patient, if you didn't go to see her everyday she didn't know who you were and as it progressed she couldn't talk or really know what was going on. And god she was in so much pain.

There was so much I wanted to say, talk to her about but I never got the chance, because she had no idea what I was saying, nor could she answer me if she did. Before she passed away I had a dream that I was laying on my parent's bed in the house I grew up in and we were talking like we used to when I was little (she used to lay down after supper for a nap and I'd follow and lay down and talk to her sometimes.), but I was grown...and I told her everything I could think of in the dream. Sometimes I like to think that because of that dream she really knew...but I know that my subconscious was just trying to help me deal.

It still kills me that she will never see my wedding or her grandchildren that she always promised that she would wind up on sugar and send them home to me.
It's not fair that she did not get to enjoy the rest of her life, because god did she ever enjoy her life.
Everyone who knew her misses her deeply.
My mom was 57 years old, she deserved a longer life.



I love you mom.

 
smeared_kohl: (badfuckingday)
( Nov. 30th, 2009 12:28 pm)
I've seen so many friend's cuts in the last little while, and it always makes me sad. Sure it's not personal but somehow most of the time I tend to be cut...just reaffirms for me that I really am as boring and as invisible as I always have been. I don't ever cut anyone, in case you are wondering...unless they actually do something that forces me to cut them from my list. LJ still makes me feel like I'm in highschool hoping that I do something interesting enough so I can sit at the cool table. =( Ugh I'm going away from the computer for awhile.
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smeared_kohl: (badfuckingday)
( Jul. 13th, 2009 11:13 am)
Personal Pathetic Emo Whining, feel free to ignore.

I hate how much I keep myself in a box...I rarely even poke my head out because after my mom's death I just don't like to interact with people. And it's not that I don't want to, I just...I feel like why bother, nothing I have to say is important anyways or they will just think I'm being stupid.

I know it doesn't make any sense but that's how my head works. I have pushed most of my friends away in rl and online I rarely comment or post stuff...because it's just like actually speaking to someone, I over think it and worry about sounding like a moron and then my irrational fears and self consciousness make me not comment or post. So I probably end up getting defriended alot, or not noticed at all because I don't do anything. And I don't blame anyone for that, just makes me sad because I know it's my own fault.

I'm also terrified of the fact I'm going to the Vancouver SPN Con alone. I get sick thinking about the fact I might be standing there in the middle of all those fans and no one will talk to me, so I will be standing in line staring down at my shoes because I am a very shy person. In rl often I don't even want to leave the apartment...and yes I know how pathetic that sounds.

UGH! I hate my brain sometimes I really do!
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